corn-eyed brown trout
my thirteen year-old cousin took a dump the size of a my forearm. this is barely an exaggeration. i walked into the bathroom, and nearly died. this was a solid turd, as long as my forearm, as big around as my wrist. how the fuck did that thing make its way out of someone’s asshole without taking a life?
at first, i was pissed. why the hell did my cousin not flush that god-awful thing? so, i showed my uncle and my mom. i had to. i said, “guys, look at this god awful masterpiece of a floater. someone’s clearly trying to show off, or they would have flushed it.” my uncle says, no. this is a common work of my cousin, his son.
my uncle made a clever observation which brought to my attention the abscence of toilet paper in the bowl. (no, my cousin didn’t fail to wipe his ass. he’s not that filthy.) my cousin actually tried to flush that bastard down. the toilet was able to take the t.p. but the turd wasn’t flush-able. a solid brick of fecal matter! my poor cousin wasn’t being thoughtless or disrespectful, nor was he saving this frightening thing as a trophy. it simply could not be flushed.
we tried flushing it four times afterward. four times! it’s no longer bobbing up and down on top of the toilet water, but it’s dirty little head is still peaking from the depths of the toilet bowl. it’s disgusting. that thing fucking winked at me, i swear to god.
my mom had to go get a plunger so we can unclog it. so that’s what i’m waiting on. a plunger, so i can’t take a fucking leak.
my poor cousin. i don’t know how he can live like that. he needs to go to a doctor. that shit was way too legit.
